I told him straightup that I didnt care, and that if he tried to ruin things with me and Seth Id absolutly kill him. No doubt about it. I have no idea why he is so utterly opposed to my happiness. I never did anytihng to him, and he dumped me and made ME cry. So I see no reason why he cant just resume our friendship, forget it ever happened and let me try and be happy with someone else. I didnt sabotage him and Alexa, as much as I wanted to for her own good. Shes really much too sweet and pretty to be ruined, neglected,  and treated like shit by him. But from the begining I stayed out of it, for HIS sake. Ive wanted him to be happy and Im not sure why. Maybe its because I never could, and always felt bad for it. No matter what the reason, however, I never did mess with his happiness or anything of the sort and for him to do anything and everything in his power to do the complete opposite for me is completelly and utterly beyond me.

There is no understanding him. Absolutly none. And Ill be the first to admit that it drives me insane and makes me so furious I can hardly stand it. Id like to stab him. But I know that his emotionless warped twistedness isnt ALL his fault. Either way, he doesnt have to be so vile and evil. He doesnt have to want to hurt me. And he doesnt have to blame Seth being clean on me. Id prefer it if he was clean, but at the same time Ive liked him clean and dirty alike. Ive thought he was cute with long and short hair. Ive wanted to date him when he was mean and nice, an asshole and a cute boyfriend. So in truth, I cant be blamed for Seths decision to be clean, because I was never so opposed to him being dirty.

Fuck Christian. He sucks cock. Likes to put it in peoples asses, and fucked audra, ON HER PERIOD. At least Im not as bad as him.

Everything looked different.
yet still it seemed the same.
Night had no effect on the image
Sunlight only changed the colours.
Colours which were bleak and sad
no matter what light you placed them in
I cannot think today.
Not with the pounding in my head.
The sick dizzy feeling that results.
His smile which lights up the room
Lights up the world.
Like the sun is said to do.
Which is ever so hard to believe
When you cant even look at its
Horrid fiery beauty.
I looked into the sun today.
Untill my eyes turned black.
And only hours later
did my sight fin'lly come back.
I tried my best to run today.
But failed out on the track.
I looked into the sun today
Untill my eyes turned black.
I woke up today with nothing but exhaustion.
And asked the clock to stop its motion.
It ignored me as it always does.
And continued to tick.
The sound of my time running out.
I looked into the clock face
And asked it why it was laughing.
My response was just as usual:
continuous ticking.
I looked into your eyes today.
Until the colours changed.
I tried my best to scream today
But only seemed deranged.
I looked into the sun today.
Until My eyes turned black.
I tried my best to run today.
But failed out on the track.
I threw myself away today
Into a fog abyss.
And asked the mist to stay forever
As i could not resist.
It evaded me as fog must do.
And there was noone to talk to.
I walked and walked and never found.
anything but sky and ground.
I sat down on the road today,
and waited for the cars.
But none would come
untill the sun had bowed down to the stars.
I stared into the sun today
untill my eyes turned black.
I tried my best to run today
but failed out on the track.
I stared out at the sun today
untill my eyes turned black.
And I dont expect I've won today
For my sight will not come back.




 

Hey. I know I only posted like ten minutes ago. But I need to write this down. I know how I write a lot about how much I hate myself. But I honestly don’t. I deeply dislike my physical appearance, and I’m working on getting it to something I like. But I like who I am. I like my personality. How my body is isn’t who I am. I like my personality, I like my style. I like me. I just have a hard time getting that into my head; I focus on how much I dislike myself physically. I only realized that a few days ago. So maybe I have very little self esteem, and maybe I do make fun of myself a lot. But I don’t care at all what other people think. However, if someone says shit, basically there’s going to be hell to pay. Because I don’t need to hear your opinions. I don’t care about them. 

AND I’m going to work on being a happier person. Being more optimistic. Caring a little less about how I look. I’m going to try to stop being jealous of other people, which I know is unrealistic because I know I wont ever be able to stop, and just try to improve upon myself and be more happy with me. 

If anyone is reading this: and either knows me, or you’ve read some of my past blogs, just be proud of me for realizing this, and be proud of me for trying. Don’t be disappointed if I fail, because there’s a good chance that I will.